Last week anger got the victory for a couple days in our marriage. I admit, it started in me then I believe trickled down to my wife. It got the best of me in a major way, and almost ruined a great opportunity. But after some email conversations with some good friends of mine I was able to slowly but surely get a grip on my anger.
And I also learned something that I think will help me not get to that point again. I now have a proactive plan to prevent anger from getting the best of me and our marriage.
A Big Deal
First, let me briefly explain what happened. Our family had a big photo shoot last week. The purpose of the photos were to populate my blog for my my site’s redesign, as well as get photos for some marriage and parenting resources we are launching soon.
There was a team of people using time and resources working with us on this. So, it was a big shoot, and it had a lot riding on it. And we showed up late to the shoot. Way late. I’m talking about 90 minutes late! I felt it was mainly her fault, and I was HOT!
All I can say is we did the photo shoot and I have no idea how I was able to force a smile and “act” happy to be there. I guess the photos will tell how well I did this.
A Big Help
When I shared what happened with a few close friends of mine, they gave me some good counsel. One piece of counsel that was really eye opening was from my friend Eric Dingler. Here is what he said when I shared what happened
“Anger is always caused by a blocked goal”
This made total sense to me, as I was so angry because I had goals. The first goal was to be on time. The second goal was to have the best possible shoot we could have, so we came out with the best looking photos possible.
I felt both of those were being blocked, and being blocked by my wife. And it led to me being angry pretty much the rest of the day and into the next day.
A Big Solution
In addition to what Eric said to me, he also shared a video and blog post that helps with setting proper goals that can proactively eliminate anger in our marriages. I’ve posted the video below.
The major point in the video is to distinguish between goals and desires. When we don’t do this it leads to unmet “goals,” which as I learned can cause you to be angry.
Eric, and his wife Marissa, share some really great practical actions you can do to win the battle over anger in your marriage. To check them out and begin to eliminate anger in your marriage, hop over to the blog post on Eric’s site, Family Life University.
Jackie,
Thanks for sharing our video. Beyond that, I’m honored the advice about goals and desires shared with me was able, in turn, to be shared with you and be of help. Thanks for being so open and honest about your marriage so we may all learn and have healthier marriages.
It was my pleasure, Eric. It has helped me, and I hope it helps others as well.
Man, this is good stuff. There is such value in learning from the experiences of others who want to thrive in their marriages.
Now I know why I’m usually upset with my family. I am a goal-oriented person and when the goals aren’t reached, it is easy to blame others. I have had anger ruin big events before, but now I’m more prepared to handle it. Thanks guys.
Related to the “blocked goal,” I find that anger is the 1st emotion that rushes into the gap between what I perceive is happening vs. what I perceive should happen. (Emphasis: “what I perceive”) Good counsel here, thanks for sharing.
The blocked goal quote is so very true. Another way to put it is that most anger is a selfish anger. I find myself yelling at my wife and kids because of what they do to “make more work for me.” Not a righteous anger at all.
Great post, Jackie. Great quote from Eric as well. So true. Anger seems to rise in moments of miscommunication in times of going after goals for us. It’s truly this balance we are striving for.