Big Fat Lie #3: How To Say It Without Saying Anything At All – Erik Tyler

 

I trust that in the last few weeks, you’ve begun to think about communication as the truly magical and monumental thing it is, and that you’ve learned to be a better liar (in the best of ways, of course) in Part 1 and Part 2 of this “Big Fat Lies” series. Today, let’s continue to fine tune our mastery of the craft by pulling the curtain on one of the sneakiest – and yet most powerful – lies of all: nonverbal communication.

I think most of us take nonverbal communication for granted, because it infuses itself into most everything we do, even without our being aware of it. However, it’s just that lack of awareness that can get us into trouble and leave us wondering what went wrong in both personal and professional communication settings where it seemed our spoken message was on track – yet, for some mysterious reason, was not received as well as we had hoped it would be. Or perhaps, you’re just wondering how to pack more punch in a presentation.

It’s truly astounding how much we can actually say quite clearly – without ever uttering a word. Let’s play a little game to start, you and I. Yes, right there where you are reading this, you can play along.  If you’ve been reading over the past few weeks, you know that I mention often the power of participation and experimentation; so be a daring soul and actually do the activities that follow, rather than just thinking about them. It makes for more memorable learning, which benefits you. (Besides, no one’s watching; and even if they are, go ahead and make them wonder.)

Here we go.

Using no words, only your body and expressions, communicate to an invisible partner the following messages:

“I don’t know. / I have no idea.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Come on in. I’ll be done with this call in a second.”

“Get over here. You’re in big trouble.”

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you. She’s in rare form today!”

How did you do? This short game of charades is just a taste of the power that nonverbal communication holds. In truth, an entire book could be written about facets of nonverbal communication; but for the sake of whetting your appetite, today we’ll take a quick look at four ways to intentionally change your message without (or in addition to) words. To make things easier to remember, I’ll present them in a spatially “top-down” manner.

EYES

It’s been said that eyes are the window to the soul, and for good reason. Eyes communicate an immense amount of information, from genuine interest to boredom, transparency to deceitfulness, love to loathing. Being mindful of your eyes when speaking with individual people or groups can change how your message is perceived.

It still amazes me how many presentations I’ve seen where the speaker’s eyes darted back and forth between notes and a screen, barely flicking upward to ever glance at people in the process. Nothing fosters lack of engagement like poor eye contact. By the same token, conscientious eye contact works wonders to draw people in to your message.

Even silence is transformed by eye contact. Silence without eye contact feels apologetic, avoidant, shady or awkward. Silence with eye contact, however, suddenly feels purposeful, poignant, powerful.

When speaking to large groups, you can (and should) still make eye contact with individuals in the audience as you speak, even if they are far back in the crowd. Panning slightly above a crowd works well for stage actors; but for public speakers, it comes across as disingenuous or aloof.

Eye movements communicate much, as well. Being mindful and present, especially when listening, is vital to dialog staying open. Roll your eyes, and you’ll communicate that you find the listener’s message to be worthless or silly. Lower your eyelids and, depending on what the rest of your face is doing, you may be conveying “go away” … or “come hither” (neither of which you may wish your audience to “hear”).

And people underestimate the expressive nature of eyebrows. Scrunch. Raise. Furrow. You’re saying something with each movement. We’ll look at some specifics a little further on.

MOUTH

In combination with your eyes, your mouth says quite a bit – all without saying a word.

There are countless inspirational quotes about the importance of smiling. In fact, most of us come across so many that the truth of the matter sounds trite. However, truth is truth, no matter how frequently it’s told. A genuine smile is one of the most engaging and disarming tools we have at our disposal. A smile is contagious. Try it. Walk into a meeting and, before launching into your presentation, just look around the room, catching each person’s eyes, and smile. You will set the expectation for what is to follow before you even deliver your first sentence. Go in with a neutral, stoic face, and you will also set an expectation – of boredom.

A smile causes us to speak differently. Our words themselves might not change, but their impact will. And as others smile back, it feeds enthusiasm for what you are saying and perpetuates positivity.

A smile causes us to speak differently. Share on X

Of course, smiling isn’t all our mouths find themselves up to.

Biting your lip may reveal that you are unsure of yourself.

Quirking your lips to one side may be playful, flirtatious, chastising or skeptical – all depending upon what the rest of your face is adding to the mix.

Raise your top lip even slightly, and you’ll give away that you are disgusted.

LUNGS

Airflow is a surprisingly effective revealer of truth (or lies).

A slow intake of breath held at the top can show nervousness or dread, while a slow and steady exhale connotes relief.

A short and forceful exhalation between slightly parted teeth and all will know you’re exasperated or derisive, while a short inhalation of the same nature is a marker of awkwardness or pain.

From a lover’s sigh to a boss’s clearing of the throat, our secrets float on air.

HANDS

Handshakes to high fives, our hands are constantly relaying important information about our intent, our mood and our willingness to listen.

In general, closed hands say “stay away” while open hands invite people closer.

Nervous fingers tap erratically on surfaces, while bored fingers drum them.

Pensive fingers press against each other or touch the mouth.

Clasped hands show deference, respect, reserve or modesty.

Hands pushed into pockets reveal objection, nonchalance or a sense of superiority.

When presenting publically, it’s best to keep your hands comfortably open and generally in plain sight, whether gesturing at the moment or not; though occasionally clasping them behind can indicate that it’s time for listeners to think or consider something.

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

No expression or gesture happens in isolation, but rather as a complex composite. For instance, form a clear mental image of each of the following being exhibited by a man:

1.) One raised eyebrow; widened eyes; mouth quirked to one side; crossed arms; head tilted forward; body leaning slightly backward

2.) One raised eyebrow; “naturally” wide eyes; half smile; thumb on lower lip; head tilted slightly backward and to the side

Could you “read” these nonverbal messages clearly? Fascinating, isn’t it? And we can see in this short pair of examples that “one raised eyebrow” alone doesn’t mean anything; it depends on what the whole body is conveying together.

The topic of nonverbal communication is a broad one, for certain. But the first step in mastering the messages our bodies are revealing is to acknowledge that they are, in fact, doing so. Awareness is key. Asking trusted people for honest feedback about how your body “reads” when speaking can be extremely helpful. Professional coaching or life coaching can also be immensely useful tools both in reflecting upon how we are being perceived and in helping us to build a mindful repertoire of body language.

Your body is speaking, whether you make yourself aware of it or not. It only makes sense, then, to harness this force to your benefit.

One last note for now: no matter how aware of or versed in nonverbal communication skills you may become, authenticity speaks loudest. You can memorize and practice facial expressions, hand gestures and the like until the cows come home; but if they stand in contrast to what you really feel or mean – people know. So while this series has been dubbed “Big Fat Lies” for the sake of piquing curiosity, incongruence between our exterior and interior message will read as disingenuous, “slick” and untrustworthy. In short, nonverbal communication should only be utilized to enhance your sincere and heartfelt message rather than as an attempt to disguise it.

Authenticity speaks loudest. Share on X

Stay tuned for more nonverbal communication tips in the weeks ahead. (Some will surprise you!)

Have a comment, question or tip concerning nonverbal communication? Would you like further examples, or do you wonder about exceptions? As I said in the last post, “communication” and “community” have “common” roots for a reason. So let’s engage and become a communicating community by making use of the Comments section below. 

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