Last month I shared with you the most popular marriage advice ever. My post shared a story of a son who asked his father for advice before getting married. The simple, yet profound advice he received was a game changer. Not just for him, but for millions of others, which is how it became the most popular marriage advice…EVER!
Changing your perspective and changing your marriage
Well, recently I came across something else pretty profound related to marriage. It just may be the best metaphor for marriage…EVER! And it may be just what you need to hear to change your perspective and help your marriage.
There was a question asked on Reddit.com about how people in long-term relationships change over time. The change might be for the better, or for the worse. One reader posted an answer which prompted another reader to say it was “the best way he’s ever heard anyone describe a relationship” (I am paraphrasing big time as to not repeat the language he used).
Here is a snippet of his description of relationships:
“Basically, I look at the human condition as a continuum that runs from selfish on one side, to selfless on the other side. The life of a human being is a long journey from selfish to selfless. That’s not to say you should stop caring about yourself, but I feel that a large part of maturity is understanding that your immediate gratification isn’t the most important thing in the world.” (Click here to read the rest of the answer on Huffington Post)
My greatest discovery in marriage
One of the greatest discoveries I made in marriage was learning how selfish I really was. Until I got married, I didn’t even know I was selfish. The readers who commented on my blog post mentioned earlier all agreed with one thing. Selfishness is a BIG problem in marriage.
As you mature, or become more selfless your marriage will follow suit. I really believe selfishness is at the root of most divorces. One or both people in the marriage want what they want, and want immediate gratification. Sometimes the filling of that gratification may lead to the divorce. Other times not getting that gratification can lead to a dissatisfied spouse who is not willing to wait on it, or focus on their spouse’s needs.
Why do you do what you do?
The more you see the selfishness behind some of your decisions and some of your frustrations, the better your marriage will be. And the moment you begin to focus less on self and more on your spouse, the entire dynamic will change in your marriage.
I don’t know who the person was who left the comment on Reddit, but I have to say what he/she said is definitely something we can all learn from.
I believe this is the single most important thing to get rid of (selfishness) and the single most important thing to pursue (selflessness). Thanks for this great reminder Jackie, as we all need to pursue better marriages.
Yes, indeed Adam!
You wrote: “I really believe selfishness is at the root of most divorces.”
AMEN, Jackie. I like to think of marriage as a call to die to yourself. To which I’ve had many unmarried respond, “I’m not sure I want to be married.”
That’s why I wrote this post: http://f-m-u.com/Blog/im-not-sure-i-want-to-be-married/.
Thanks for pointing to the TRUTH! Will be sharing with the Future Marriage University community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.
Thanks MJ. I actually believe if those unmarried people aren’t willing to die to self then marriage may have to wait until they are ready.
I could use some fine tuning in this department. The struggle to find balance has been equal to the struggle to find selflessness.
We are all constantly growing my friend.
Amen man. I hate selfishness, but I’m as guilty as they come. Thanks for the reminder!
And thank God for reddit. It’s like a superpower. It can be used for good or evil, but when used for the better good…it’s incredible what you can find on there! Thanks for sharing Jackie!
Aren’t we all (guilty). 🙂 Reddit is a superpower. I have yet to tap into it. I think it needs to be added to the mix for me.
Hi. This is my first time here, but I found this post incredibly insightful. I have been married for (37) years. Selfish is a kind of vague concept, but it is pretty accurate when it comes to how most men start out in a marriage. It might also be that you still remain somewhat selfish, but you deny acting on it. I’m not sure you can actually stop being selfish, but you learn in a mature marriage to make big efforts to put the other person first. People nowadays see long-marrieds as odd and assume that a different world and time is what allowed them to last that long. The truth is, it’s hard in every generation, just a different version of hard, and you have to push selfish back as often as you can. Then, at least you’ve got a good chance!
Lewis,
First welcome to the asmithblog community! So glad you are here!
Second, Congratulations on being married 37 yrs! You make a great point about acting on selfishness. We will always struggle but maturity means the intensity of the struggle diminishes.
Thanks, Julia. As I’m sure you’re well aware, another Faulkner hails from near where you are. I went down there 10 years ago, or so, because I was such a big fan, and took the tour through the house, etc. Anyway, glad to meet you!
Lol! Yes I am aware of that! We just moved here so we have yet to take the tour. On the list of things to do.
Hey Lewis!
Welcome and great insight. Thanks for adding to the conversation. I agree with you that we constantly have to push selfish back. It just won’t lie down! 🙂
Hope to see you on here more!
Hey, Jackie. Nice to meet you, too. I’m kind of just starting up the blogging thing. Do you happen to know the name of the WordPress/plugin thing that is used in this post that makes the stand-out quotes (pull quotes?) with the blue vertical blue stripe on the left-hand side (at the top of this post where it says “Basically, I look at the human condition…”? I really want to get that for my own blog. Anyway, stay in touch and see you around here. Thanks for reaching out to a newbie!
Just wanted to say hi and welcome to this community, Lewis . Thanks so much for stopping by. Congrats on 37 years! Any secrets there for the rest of us?
mmm…Listen more; talk less.
True but didn’t mean to be twitter-succinct there.
I’m kind of new to blogging and commenting.
Just had an ah-ha flash. My blog is about fiction, but your question got me thinking. I guess 37 years does kind of make me a sort of expert. I hadn’t really thought about being an expert at that. Maybe I’ll do some thinking about a blog post on it. As cornball as it probably sounds, I think a common belief in God has an awful lot to do with it.
In the New Testament, the greek word for selfish is translated as autos/hades or quite literally, self-hell. Very good article on marriage!
Ha! So, being selfish is creating your own “self-hell.” That’s serious! Thanks for sharing, Matt.
Oh wow. That’s something.