Introversion is a psychological term used to classify personality. Attributed to Carl Jung, introversion’s technical definition, as made famous by the Myers-Brigg personality assessment, simply states that one recharges by focusing more on internal stimulation than external stimulation.
People who are introverted tend to be inward turning, or focused more on internal thoughts, feelings and moods rather than seeking out external stimulation. Introverts get their energy and are recharged from spending time with their thoughts.” (1)
In the early years of my marriage, I didn’t know my husband was introverted. The signs were there; I just didn’t see them. I thought because he was popular, outspoken, and got along with just about everyone, he was naturally an extrovert like me. But, the real differences came to light at the end of every work week. Every Friday night after a long week at work, I wanted to unwind and recharge from the week by going out and being around other people. He wanted to unwind and recharge by staying home.
When it came to making decisions, our differences showed up, yet again. I would ask him what his opinion was on something and his answer was always short. He would merely say, “I don’t know.” and not think anything of it. What I later learned was that “I don’t know” meant, “I don’t have an answer right now because I need time to think about it.” In fact, there were occasions where it would take days for him to give me an answer. Often, I would forget what I asked him until he came back later with a reply. Not understanding or respecting his tendencies, I mistakenly called him aloof, cold, and distant, but this wasn’t true.
Think of introversion as a fuel source. When the gas tank is empty, introverts turn inward to fill up. This does not mean they don’t like people or that they are shy or that they aren’t great leaders. Introverts can act very extroverted as long as they’ve had adequate time to prepare for it.
Things to keep in mind:
- Introversion is measured on a scale. This means there are varying degrees of introversion.
- Not all introverts are the same. They may have similar traits but those traits can show up differently based on background, up bringing, and conditioning.
When communicating with an introvert, here are some points to consider:
1. They NEED space (down time) to think.
In the early years of my marriage, I thought space was my husband’s preference, not a necessity. I mean after all, didn’t he marry me so that we could always be together?!?! I was determined to barrage my husband with questions that I wanted answers to right away. I didn’t process the same way he did nor did I understand it. I wanted him to process things the same way that I did; this was a mistake. In order to get the best out of him, I had to learn to respect the way he was wired, and that meant giving him space.
2. Pressure can make them stubborn.
Because introverts are most comfortable with their thoughts, they can come across obstinate and resistant if provoked. Demanding they give you what you want, when you want it, will not produce results. Actually, you are setting yourself up to never benefit from the creative and well-thought-out plans devised by them. They may never come to light when introverts feel threatened or provoked.
3. Introverts need to know you respect their space.
This link highlights how to interact with an introvert in a cute cartoon. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around introverts; you just need to demonstrate to them that you respect their space.
4. Ask for their preferences.
No two introverts are exactly the same. When you suspect that someone is an introvert and that you need to spend a lot of time with that person, ask them their preferences. Then, give them a set time and date to get back with you. This gives them time to think about the situation, so they can then come back to you when they are ready.
This post isn’t about labeling people; it is about understanding others. When you have understanding, you can begin tailoring your communication activities in a such a way to build trust and promote inclusion.
Here are a few resources that further explain the uniqueness of introversion:
- What is Introversion?
- 6 Things You Thought Wrong About Introverts
- 23 Signs You are Secretly An Introvert
- The Introvert’s Way
- A Simple Explanation on How On How to Interact with Introverts
What advice would you give on interacting with introverts?
Next week, I’ll talk about the responsibilities the introvert has in communication.
Hi Julie,
As an introvert married to an extrovert, it seems that my wife and I have made a similar journey as you and your husband. Thanks for your insight. I think you were right on in all your points.
Hi Julia, amazing post. I’m married to an introvert as well and your points have been issues all along. Good to know. It would be awesome to have a “deal with extroverts”.
Take care,
Diego.
Hi Julia,
Sorry I misspelled your name in my previous comment.
As an introvert: Ask questions and show interest. This helps to engage me. Don’t gang up; one-on-one interactions or VERY small groups are best. And don’t try to shame me into “coming out of my shell” or “leaving my comfort zone”. It’s not fear, and my introversion isn’t like my psychological Linus blanket.
Great point! Most extroverts think with a little nudge introverts can be “cured”. Not so! Demanding that they ” come out of your shell or other clichés just reinforce that you don’t respect introverts for who they are.
Thanks Diego! Dealing with extroverts is next
Thank you for sharing! It is an interesting dynamic but one that can work with a little awareness! What was the biggest misunderstanding that introversion/extroversion caused you two…if you wouldn’t mind sharing?
Sweet of you to apologize. All is forgiven. It happens 🙂
Love this post. I am an introvert and really resonate with the points in this post. Another great article! Can’t wait to read your extrovert post.
Guilty as charged!
Spot on Julia, this is all me. I’m married to an extrovert, she is a social butterfly.
I’m an introvert, but hadn’t heard of #2 “Pressure can make them stubborn.” But I totally agree. I can dig in my heels if I feel I’m being pushed into something too quickly. Now I can just blame it on my introversion. 🙂 Nice article. Thanks for sharing.
LisaNotes LOL! Sure.Blame it on the introversion! Like I said not all introverts are the same but generally speaking since introverts are very secure with and in their thoughts, when being pushed to accept thoughts that they haven’t had time to accept, they can become very resistant. It isn’t that the thought or idea isn’t good, it is the way it the way the idea is being pushed.
Case in point, my husband and I had a huge fight one night over a chicken. My idea about the chicken was “right” but the way I was pressuring him to conform to my idea caused him to cling for dear life onto his idea. We laugh about it now because it was the chicken fight. But it is a very poignant example.
BRAVECommLLC When we were first married, my wife expected that we would everything together, all the time. She would get her feelings hurt when I needed some space. At the same time, I didn’t know how to communicate that, or even why I had that need. So at the same time, I felt like a selfish lout. By the grace of God, we’ve been able to iron out a lot of these difference.
@srussell Yep! that sounds about right. Good example. I think you touched on a very life changing point: Sometimes we don’t know why we operate a certain way and it makes it very difficult to explain what we don’t understand. God’s grace is very much at work helping us in those instances for sure. Thanks for sharing!
What a great post, Julia. Being an introvert myself, I couldn’t help smiling and nodding to myself as I read through this. It’s true introversion is often a misunderstood concept. These are some great tips.
Thank you for your post. I am also married to a introvert. That said, please check your grammar.