Perhaps you found yourself wincing at the title of this post. The thought of anyone spitting in my soup is gut wrenching. To be honest with you, I don’t like this title myself. Then again, I am not the one who invented the technique. This powerful tool was developed by the renowned therapist Alfred Adler. Adler recognized that stirring up change can be difficult. Because of this, he developed specific steps for making confrontation less abrasive.
Spitting in the soup is a memorable metaphor. It reminds us that sometimes it is necessary to spoil the fun in order to alter negative patterns and create positive behavior change. First, let’s get a little gross. It makes no difference whether it’s a cup of soup, bowl of soup, or a full pot. Add spit to the mix and the batch is ruined. Similarly, the technique, “spitting in the soup,” takes the joy out of the negative behaviors patterns of others. Spitting in the soup works like this:
- This technique begins with the solid foundation of a friendly and supportive relationship.
Positive change always happens best within the context of relationship. This is true for,
- Parents who desire to create positive changes in their children.
- Bosses who long to break bad habits among coworkers.
- Family members looking to alter behaviors in other members of the family.
Getting someone to act differently is rarely easy. While spitting in the soup is confrontational, it’s less abrasive than other forms of dispute. Yet, this still does not make the confrontation easy to take. Therefore, it is best to assure the relationship is solid before beginning.
- The second step is to succinctly point out the unhelpful behavior pattern.
For example, a boss might say to his employee, “I notice that you talk about how meaningful your work is to you, yet you also show up late to work.”
A mother may point out to her teenage son or daughter, “On one hand I notice that you say that you want more freedom, but on the other hand I see that you have a pattern of breaking the rules and getting those same freedoms taken away.”
Lastly, one friend may state to another, “I hear you saying that you want to get together more often, but I also notice that you often don’t return my calls.”
Simply pointing out a discrepancy between someone’s words and actions may be enough to facilitate change. However, if more is required you can always conclude with a question. This is done by asking, “How do you reconcile this?” or “How do you put these two discrepancies together?”
- Wrap up by being open to discussing the person’s reaction to having their soup spat in.
Bad habits develop over time and occur without much thought at all. Spitting in the soup is about bringing a persistent pattern of negative behavior into the other person’s awareness without blaming or shaming.
Spitting in the soup spoils the fun of negative patterns. This is why the technique is named, “spitting in the soup.” As the old saying goes, people want to have their cake (or soup) and eat it too. Spitting in the soup says, “I’m on to you.”
Now, let’s go back to some of the previous examples. By examining the secondary gains that are occurring, we’ll see why this tool is so effective. It is enjoyable for an employee to think that he can be both passionate about his job and slack off at the same time. This person has the benefit of viewing himself as hardworking while simultaneously enjoying the payoff of being lazy. Bringing attention to the fact that he can’t do both ruins the fun. It also opens the door for further conversation.
Similarly, a teenager who talks about longing for more freedom, then abuses that freedom and gets it taken away, maintains the security of the familiar. Growing up can be hard, and a parent might even say, “Honey, I wonder if there is part of you that is scared about gaining more adult responsibilities?” Once again, the door is open for additional conversation.
Spitting in the soup is a good tool for starting change generating conversations. This technique is an excellent reminder that it is perfectly okay to notice negative patterns of behavior and point them out within the context of warm, friendly relationships. Everyone needs a mentor, coach, or guide to help him or her grow. Spitting in the soup is one way of leading others in a positive direction without condemnation.
So what do you think of the idea of spitting in someone’s soup? Would you use this particular technique? Alternatively, maybe you have been on the receiving end. Have you ever had your soup spat in? And if so, what was the experience like?
Finally, if you are interested in discovering additional strategies from psychology that you can easily apply to everyday life, then you might want to check out my latest book. It’s free on Amazon today only, and you can download your copy right here: Coffee Shop Conversations: Psychology and the Bible; Live, Love, and Lead well.
Now THAT is a great headline, Jed 🙂 Good match to a good message. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Glenn 🙂
Love the headline, Jed. Caught my attention. 🙂 Love this different technique from Adler. I have used the second step and it is effective.
I think you’ve hit on two things that are extremely important to all-around communication skills, but particularly where it comes to conflict: noticing out loud and asking good questions. For instance, “I hear you saying that you enjoy the work here [notice], but you seem to show up late quite a bit [notice]. How do you feel these two things work together into a whole truth [question]?”
However, in real life, we are dealing with TWO real people, both with flaws. Rarely is the boss or the parent coming from a neutral place filled with love and sunshine when approaching someone to spit in his soup. They are angry. They feel cheated or disrespected. Sometimes, the other person flat-out irritates them.
You also have the perpetually defensive, or the debaters, or the ones who’ve taken note of the deliverer’s flaws with great care. And this is where spitting in the soup does not always work. I mentor teens and advocate within families to teach new communication strategies; and the fact is that many teens are smart. Spit in their soup — they will stare you in the eye, pick up that spoon, eat that soup to the last drop and then ask for more.
Here’s a simple example, where a 17-year-old junior has come in past his 10:00 curfew on a Friday night and has been grounded.
Mom: “I notice that you say you want more freedom, but you continually break the rules and have your freedom taken away. How do you make sense of that?”
Teen: “Oh, brother, mom. What psycho-babble books are YOU reading lately? Do you honestly think talking to me like I’m lying on some couch is going to solve anything? You want to know how I make sense of that? OK. I don’t have ONE other friend my age whose parents make them come in at 10:00 on a weekend. NOT ONE! The only freedom I have is the freedom I make by coming in — what? 15 minutes late? — because you don’t start out giving me any. I feel like I’m on a leash. And so, what? I can come home and listen to you and dad argue some more, or gossip on the phone about your fat friend Sarah? Sounds awesome, mom.”
Teen walks off to his bedroom. Mom’s heart is pounding. Tears are in her eyes, but more from anger at the moment than concern.
Now what?
You see, real interactions rarely are between a reasonable person who is 100% in the right, and an unreasonable person who is 100% in the wrong.
Some additional strategies I’ve found helpful in tempering the real-world way things can go are these:
1. Whenever possible, don’t try to deal with a conflict or problem WHEN it is happening. If possible, wait until there is no live conflict before approaching the issue. This causes BOTH people to be largely free of in-the-moment emotions. So, your teen comes home after curfew. Be sure he/she is safe and well, and simply say “Goodnight.” Don’t even add, “We’ll talk about this in the morning,” because that will stoke the fire in both of you overnight — never good. On Wednesday of the next week, say, “Hey, can we talk?” Or Employee Bob comes in late on a Monday. Schedule a meeting on Wednesday to talk with him on Thursday.
2. Throw a bone first. (Hey, if we can spit in soup, we can throw bones.) Picture the neighbor’s growling pit bull who is rearing to take a piece of your hide. If you come by armed with a nice, juicy bone and throw it at the right time, you just might save your rear and make a friend of an angry beast. In terms of conflict, I recommend starting out with true and heartfelt positives before delivering a negative (Ex.: “Honey, you are a great kid. You do your school work without us hovering over you. You’re well liked. You’re creative. I can’t believe I got so lucky as to have a kid like you. The thing that’s concerning me right now, though, is the Friday curfew thing.”).
3. Embrace silence. After asking a question, don’t rush to fill the space with more words. Picking up from the example above, after having said, “The thing that’s concerning me right now, though, is the Friday curfew thing,” mom should just be silent and allow her son to respond in an open-ended manner. Let’s say the teen says, “Well, honestly, I just think 10:00 is ridiculous. None of my friends my age have to come in at that time.” Leave a little more silence. In fact, if you really want to make a point (and only if you intend to follow through), say, “Let me think about what you’ve said, and we’ll talk some more about it later.”
Once again, I’m writing a whole post. I don’t mean to! But these are all good posts with lots of thoughts firing!
Some great insights & love this line “Real interactions rarely are between a reasonable person who is 100% in the right, and an unreasonable person who is 100% in the wrong.”
It’s so true & very Tweetable too 🙂
Sounded interesting until you brought The Bible into the mix. That nixed any interest I had In your suggestion!
Healing comes in all shapes forms and fashion and worldviews. And I thought religious folks were supposed to be the closed-minded ones.