Big Fat Lie # 2: How To Say What You Didn’t Actually Say – Erik Tyler

 

In my last post, I called you a liar. That is because you are one. And I trust you were challenged to become an even better liar after having read the aforementioned post – that you were inspired to incorporate strong idioms and figures of speech to vary your language approach, make your message more clear, and improve both your oral and written communication through clear voice and tone.

Today’s Big Lie is all about skillful slips of tongue. We’ll also cover how to approximate those linguistic loopholes in writing, which is both tricky – and, at times, immensely useful.

SETTING THE STAGE

As before, I’m going to ask you to stop in a moment and consider something before continuing to read: to answer a question to yourself (or, better yet, in writing), as part of the exploration and learning process. You may think you don’t need that step; and, as most anything else in life, the choice is yours. But carefully considering what you already know or believe about a topic before learning more will significantly increase the impact and “stickiness” of the new information.

That said, consider this simple sentence:

I didn’t tell the boss you stole money from petty cash.

Here’s the exploration question: What do you think this means? Create a clear image in your mind including who is speaking to whom, where and why (background information). Take a moment to form that image now and answer the question of meaning for the sentence above.

As we continue, let’s assume that the obvious is true – that two people are speaking. We’ll also imagine that they are speaking in person; and for the sake of clarity, I’ll name the communication partners Nate (speaker) and Dale (listener). Now I’m going to ask you to play “lawyer” for a bit. Based on your image (and referring back to the original sentence as you like):

Do we know for certain whether Dale has accused Nate of squealing?

Do we know for certain whether or not Nate saw Dale steal anything?

Do we know for certain whether Nate even believes Dale stole anything?

Words are wily. The truth is that No, we do not know for certain whether these things (or a host of other things) are true. In what seems like a straightforward declaration, much is actually left unsaid. (Side note: this is a fact upon which lawyers depend and about which they make much ado.)

Stick with me here. The main gist is just around the corner now.

THROWING YOUR VOICE

I’m going to present the same sentence, but I’m going to emphasize with underlined italics just one part of the sentence. I want you to mentally say the sentence to yourself again, imagining that Nate has emphasized the italicized part, and watch something almost magical happen:

I didn’t tell the boss you stole money from petty cash.

Ah! This says something completely different, without changing the words themselves at all. What Nate has now said without saying it is roughly this:

I didn’t tell the boss you stole money from petty cash (but I did tell someone else that you stole money from petty cash).

Let’s try another variation on emphasis and see if you can tell what Nate is actually saying without saying it:

I didn’t tell the boss you stole money from petty cash.

Did you get it? Nate is now essentially saying this:

I didn’t tell the boss you stole money from petty cash (but I did heavily imply it or leave clues to the fact that you stole from petty cash).

We could do this with every key word in the sentence and allow Nate to change his meaning.

Emphasize “didn’t” and we’ll learn that Dale has accused Nate of telling the boss.

Focus on “petty cash,” on the other hand, and Nate has told the boss that Dale did steal money, just not from petty cash (e.g., perhaps from a register).

Why does any of this matter to you? Or me? Or anyone?

Well, in an attempt to address that, let’s consider the theme and premise of my recent book (and every talk given in conjunction with that book). Here it is (without emphasis):

You always have a choice.

But as far as I am concerned, that isn’t actually the message I’m looking to get across. Rather, it is somewhat less than the message I want to convey. Here is how the message appears in the book (and, likewise, how I deliver that message in person):

You always have a choice.

Do you see how the message is augmented? Yes, I’m telling people that they have choices in life. But my central focus is that, you “always” have a choice; that no matter what happens in life, the next choice is yours. There is no circumstance in which you are powerless to choose, even if the only choice you can make is your attitude or response. This is exactly the theme I develop, through story and example, over and over, in my blog, book and public speaking. And that emphasis is extremely important to it all.

Learning to be an effective, engaging and memorable communicator requires using all means at your disposal. Emphasis, as we’ve seen, can allow you to say more than words alone might allow. What’s more, careful emphasis allows you to be more efficient with language, and research has shown that the shorter the message, the more “sticky” or memorable it will be in the minds of our audience. (This is precisely why effective marketers limit taglines to as few words as possible: e.g., “I’m lovin’ it.” or “Just do it.”)

Learning to be an effective, engaging and memorable communicator requires using all means at your disposal. Share on X

BROADCASTING THE SHOW

Well, I trust it’s more clear now that emphasizing a particular spoken word or phrase can augment, change or add additional information to your message. But what about achieving that emphasis in written communication, like an email or a Tweet?

Actually, you’ve been seeing the answer to this question throughout this post. In printed communiqués (e.g., a printed letter), you have all manner of emphasizing print techniques available to you. The most effective is italics. However, italicize too much and you’ll lose the ability to focus on the really important bits. If you really need extra emphasis (especially where italics is already in use), you can sparingly incorporate bold italics or even bold underlined or bold underlined italics. Key word: sparingly!

Most email programs allow you to choose HTML formatting when you write your emails, and this allows for italics and other formatting conventions, as well. However, phone texts, Tweets, Facebook messages and ads, many blog Comment sections, and other social media platforms do not yet allow use of italics, bold or underlining. What then?

Then (and I recommend only then) resort to ultra-focused use of ALL CAPS. Here is the central message of my book and speaking, as it appears when I Tweet it:

You ALWAYS have a choice.

ENCORE

A few bonus tips before wrapping up here:

1.) In live speaking, silence and repetition work wonders in creating emphasis. Leaving a felt pause (one long enough to just start making people squirm) after an important message gives it weight. It also allows people to process, and therefore remember, what you’ve said. Likewise, calculated repetition of your primary message at intervals draws added attention to it, effectively emphasizing it’s importance and causing it to be memorable. (There are a few ways to effectively approximate a verbal pause in writing, as well; if you’d like to know them, just ask in the Comments section.)

2.) Regardless of what your grade-school teachers told you, use of exclamation points can actually diminish the impact of messages within a professional context. Wherever possible (which I’ve found is nearly always), rather than using exclamation points for emphasis, spend time crafting your message with strong words and image-inducing language. And whatever you do – don’t line ‘em up like this!!! One exclamation point can have you teetering on the brink of seeming amateurish. Several – and you’ve thrown yourself right over that brink. Effective communication means knowing what to cut as well as what to add.

3.) In both spoken and written communication, adding a carefully selected word or phrase to your message can also help with emphasis, attention, focal point and impact. Wherever possible, don’t resort to using the hackneyed “really” and “very.” Like exclamation points, these words can actually decrease the impact of your message. Here’s a short sampling of more effective additions for emphasis:

Good job today.

You did an especially good job today.

I got your email.

As a matter of fact, I did get your email.

I don’t have time to get lunch with you this week.

Unfortunately, I don’t have time to get lunch with you this particular week.

(Note that, when adding words for emphasis, there is no need – whether speaking or writing – to employ additional emphasis. This type of word or phrase takes the place of other forms of emphasies.)

Simply put, words are power. And as with any power tool, weapon or craft implement, the more you fine-tune your skill with them, the more effective you become in the use of them.

Simply put, words are power. Share on X

Do you have a question about what you read, or a communication technique you use for emphasis that’s not included here? Would you like clarification or further examples? It’s no coincidence that the words “communication” and “community” look so similar. Let’s build our communication skills through community right here, by interacting through the “Comments” app below. Remember, the best and longest-lasting learning happens when we explore. Let’s delve into that exploration together. 

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