In college, I heard of a teacher who would pass out a bulletin entitled, How to Fail this Class. His hope was that students would read it, learn to identify common traps, and do the opposite. I hope that you will use this post in a similar manner. All of the items are commonsense. Yet, people continue to fall into these traps daily. I have been guilty of doing a few of them myself, and I bet you have too. If you have been around an excessive amount of disagreements this week, you can use this list to make sure you are not a part of the problem.
Here are five quick and easy ways to initiate an argument:
1. Adopt a one-size-fits-all approach.
Imagine walking into your favorite department store and discovering that all of the clothes are the exact same size. When you ask the clerk about this he states, “Yes, this is a very popular size, so it’s now the only one we carry.” Chances are if you stayed in that department store long enough, you would hear a number of arguments take place. In fact, you might even get into a disagreement with the manager yourself.
Of course, department stores don’t take a one-size-fits-all approach. They value our business far too much. Yet, people take a one-size-fits-all approach to problem solving every day. When giving advice, it is common for people to recommend their solution as, “the right way.” As you can imagine, a rigid approach to problem solving is an excellent way to pick a fight.
2. Use the words “always” and “never”.
Use the words “always” and “never”, and you will find yourself caught up in argument before finishing your sentence. These words lead to responses like, “I don’t always ________ (fill in the blank with whatever topic you would like to argue about). Do you remember that time two years ago? I didn’t do that then!” “Always” and “never” are strong words that invite people to find an exception to the rule.
3. Say, “You’re wrong.”
Dale Carnagie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, suggests eliminating the words “You’re wrong” from one’s vocabulary. These words are difficult to accept and lead to defensiveness. Saying, “You’re wrong” is another simple way to begin a heated conversation.
4. Don’t listen in a way that makes the other person feel heard.
Have you ever told someone, “You’re not listening to me”, only to have him or her parrot back your exact words? This can be incredibly frustrating. There is a big difference between having someone listen to your words, and consider what you are saying. Averting eye contact, rolling one’s eyes, and an eagerness to speak, are all ways of communicating, “I’ve made up my mind. I don’t really care what you have to say, and am only interested in convincing you that I am right.”
5. Keep engaging with an angry person.
Arguments have secondary gains. They are exciting, engaging, and attract attention. Therapists use the word “maladaptive” to describe these types of behaviors. Engaging in frequent arguments is harmful, but also serves a purpose. If you seek out an angry person and engage with him or her long enough, an argument is sure to take place.
Understanding why arguments start is a great first step in reducing them. While not all disagreements are bad, arguing frequently is stressful and unhealthy.
What do you think? Have you been guilty of doing any of these things? If you have additional strategies to add to this list, please feel free to leave them in the comments below.
Love it!
Some of are old enough to remember Green Stamps. You collected them over time, pasted them into little booklets, and then redeemed them at the special store for a blender, toaster, etc. So often we don’t actually forgive small things in relationships. We collect them like greenstamps in our little black books. When the big argument starts you pull a book out and slam it down on the table! There! Remember that? And that time? and that comment? Blammo.
Having done this experiment (and it generates repeatable results), I recommend you not do it.
Great mental picture! Whether it’s Green stamps or credit card points, some people store-up offenses and the unload them all at once. It’s a, “look at what you’ve done, now you owe me” mentality. Glenn, this is perfect! I’m going to add this to my list of strategies to avoid 🙂
Great post, Jed, and on the mark. In addition to avoiding these approaches, I think it’s important to consider why we go to them in the first place (particularly for those who find one or more are patterns). Numbers 1, 3 and 4 essentially boil down to a personal issue with pride and control. Number 5 may indicate these things, as well, though it might also point to an underlying need for attention – an unsettled feeling that I’m not really alive or valid unless I’m causing “splashes’ and getting noticed (egocentrism and pride are closely related). And Number 2 indicates that you are holding a grudge and have let bitterness take root.
Being aware of and curbing behavior is one part of the equation. Unless we address the underlying causes, the thought processes will still be in play; we’ll only find ourselves quickly tiring of that behavior modification, or abandoning it as we give in to the build-up we’ve been restraining.
Real and long-term success will depend on self-awareness, a willingness to refocus on others and not ourselves, and working through forgiveness (all of which are processes with no quick fix, so commit first – then give it time). Often, an admission to the other person of our personal realizations is the first step (e.g., “I realize I have a control issue and that is something I’m committed to working on.”).
Great thoughts Erik! I love how you pull out the root causes for each of these. An awesome addition!
I like this spin on things, Jed. In this busy world we live in, I feel that #4 is the most important point. I completely agree with you that “Understanding why arguments start is a great first step in reducing them.” That’s why this post is so needed.
Thanks Adam! I agree, compassionate and empathetic listening is key. Maybe I should move this to the #1 slot 🙂
Great article, as always Jed! Great points you bring up. Keep up the great work!
Thanks Alan! Sure appreciate the encouragement. And thank you for connecting me to Etienne. I’m thrilled to be on his podcast next week!