#075: 14 Steps to a More Confident You

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Two years ago on a cold December morning, I met a friend for breakfast at his hotel. He had a speaking engagement in town, and I took the opportunity to spend some time with him. He may be my most confident friend (in a good way, not in that overconfident annoying way), and one of the smartest people I know, so I try to learn from him whenever I can. The way he talks, the way he gestures, the way he listens, the way he loves people — it all conveys a very confident message. The message he portrays with his life is one that I hadn’t spent much time paying attention to before, but after spending that morning with him, he began telling me the things that made him the person that he is today. Of course, I couldn’t jot down notes from our conversation fast enough.

I wrote down 14 points that day, along with my own commentary, and each discipline can make you more confident right now. Here they are:

Accept yourself for who you are.

It's only when you accept everything you are - and aren't - that you will truly succeed. Share on X

Who are you? You need to know this by heart and own it. There is only one you, and you have so much to offer to the rest of the world.

Find what you believe in and fight for it.

The older I get, the more fed up I become with staying quiet. Life has definitely changed me, and maybe it has done the same for you. There’s too much to do, and not enough people doing the right things. You will know that you are fighting for what you believe in when you begin to set trends, rather than following them.

Study.

Typically, the reason that people feel insecure is because they don’t know enough about the subject they have a lack of confidence in. Studying a subject is one of the best ways you can build confidence in a specific area immediately.

Surround yourself with confidence boosters.

The people you surround yourself with and the messages you listen to affect the way you see yourself. Having encouragers around you can only help with boosting your confidence.

Don’t stand for humiliation.

When there has been a culture of humiliation that is created, growth is suppressed. If you are being humiliated or you see others that are being humiliated, don’t allow it. You have the right and responsibility to speak up.

This is the only time I will say this, but you have to focus on both your strengths and weaknesses.

Confidence is more situational for most people. I am guessing that the things you are feeling less confident in are the same things that you consider your weaknesses to be. Being a jack of all trades has many advantages, and this way, you can take advantage of them as well.

When you find success, celebrate it.

Too many people skip over their successes, and only focus on their failures. This is nonsense. Share on X

Too many people skip over their successes, and only focus on their failures. This is nonsense. When you put time and work into anything that is a success, it calls for celebration. I don’t care what it is – when you are successful, you need to recognize it.

Be positive.

When you are positive about the future, you remain hopeful for a better outcome. When you are pessimistic, it is much easier to lose hope in finding confidence. Positivity begins with self-talk. Don’t wait for others to lift your spirits, but instead speak words of life to yourself.

Cheer others on, but don’t compare yourself to others in an unhealthy way.

Be there for others to encourage them along the way, but never let comparison be your measurement of accomplishment. This is why knowing who you are and pursuing the things you want out of life is so important. When you understand this, you understand what makes you different from everyone else and will pursue those things confidently in your own strength. In doing this, you are becoming the best you. Until then, you are looking to others for your definition of success. Using social media to compare yourself doesn’t help either. Use social media to congratulate people for their successes, not to judge them for it.

Using social media to compare yourself doesn't help. Share on X

Work on your body language.

I usually don’t recommend faking it until you make it, but in this area I will. Stop slouching, stop saying “like…” and “ummm…”, and stop avoiding eye contact. In other words, you can change your outward expression of confidence to others through body language and your speech before you believe it for yourself.

Learn to move on.

Confidence is linked to regret in most cases. Stop worrying about what is done, stop taking things so personally, and learn to move ahead. You’ll be better for learning this life-changing concept.

Do what is right, even in the face of adversity.

When you do what is right, there is less gray area to question. There is confidence found in knowing that you have done the right thing.

Take more risks.

The more you risk, the more you are putting on the line. Confidence might not be there during the first risk you take, but there will definitely be more confidence present when you take your tenth risk. Keep risking something to build confidence in your life.

Admit your mistakes.

Mistakes will come, so be prepared to use them as learning moments. Share on X

Mistakes will come, so be prepared to use them as learning moments, rather than events that will stop you in your tracks. When you change your mindset here, you won’t let mistakes take the life out of you, but will instead learn from them and will let the growth you obtain build both confidence and character.

These are the fourteen things that you can do right now to build more confidence. Now, go and be more confident, today.

Erik Tyler says

September 26, 2015 at 9:35 am

This post was excellent, Adam. Thanks for taking notes and sharing.

I kept thinking how your last point (admitting mistakes) looped back and connected to your first (accepting all that you are – and aren’t). One of my best friends once told me, “People relate most to hearing from us about other people’s successes and our own failures.” And since that time, I’ve adapted my blog writing to include more of both. In seeking to motivate and inspire others, it’s important that they realize that we all struggle and fail at times; success comes down to what we do with our weaknesses. And interestingly enough, those posts where I openly admit weakness or having blown it have been hands-down the most read and shared posts in my 4+ years of blogging.

Of course, no one wants to hear just about your failures. The reason that hearing about our humanity inspires people to take those risks you talk about in this post is that they see someone who also has a good deal of success and happiness in life. The overall message should be the truth: that success and happiness aren’t handed to some on a silver platter and denied to others. It’s a messy road for everyone at times, with a lot of learning going on. And where weaknesses exist or failure occurs, it comes down to choice, not chance. What will I do next?

Even in mentoring, where kids can mistakenly think I know everything about everything and there’s nothing I can’t do, I look for opportunities to point out areas where they excel and are better than I am. And that doesn’t mean I take a hit to my confidence. I stink at basketball, for instance. Like … really terrible. And I love making a fool of myself with a kid who’s great at it, because it lets them see that we all have relative strengths and weaknesses.

Comments

Erik Tyler says

September 26, 2015 at 9:35 am

This post was excellent, Adam. Thanks for taking notes and sharing.

I kept thinking how your last point (admitting mistakes) looped back and connected to your first (accepting all that you are – and aren’t). One of my best friends once told me, “People relate most to hearing from us about other people’s successes and our own failures.” And since that time, I’ve adapted my blog writing to include more of both. In seeking to motivate and inspire others, it’s important that they realize that we all struggle and fail at times; success comes down to what we do with our weaknesses. And interestingly enough, those posts where I openly admit weakness or having blown it have been hands-down the most read and shared posts in my 4+ years of blogging.

Of course, no one wants to hear just about your failures. The reason that hearing about our humanity inspires people to take those risks you talk about in this post is that they see someone who also has a good deal of success and happiness in life. The overall message should be the truth: that success and happiness aren’t handed to some on a silver platter and denied to others. It’s a messy road for everyone at times, with a lot of learning going on. And where weaknesses exist or failure occurs, it comes down to choice, not chance. What will I do next?

Even in mentoring, where kids can mistakenly think I know everything about everything and there’s nothing I can’t do, I look for opportunities to point out areas where they excel and are better than I am. And that doesn’t mean I take a hit to my confidence. I stink at basketball, for instance. Like … really terrible. And I love making a fool of myself with a kid who’s great at it, because it lets them see that we all have relative strengths and weaknesses.