Leadership requires dealing with people, and people are complex, messy, and sometimes difficult. Everyone has an inner voice; most of us have whole committees of voices. I have committees and sub-committees screaming for attention.
Let’s be candid: you and I sometimes think of things we’d love to say but know we shouldn’t. It will feel great for about 24 seconds and then we’ll regret it for a long time. Mature leaders recognize they have some immature thoughts and voices in their head.
You’ll be encouraged to know other leaders struggle with this problem. Here are some things I wish I could have said just in the past year:
“Do you hear yourself when you talk? In a different setting this would be entertaining.”
“Sorry you don’t like this decision that affects you in a minor way. What you don’t know is that I already kept your job and training budget intact when X person suggested we let you go.”
“You missed getting a Needs Improvement rating (for the 2nd year running) by this much.”
“Are you saying this because you want to get fired?”
“You’re a hypocrite.”
“I think you prefer telling yourself that lie because the truth is too painful to acknowledge. Am I right?”
“If you could see things in the bigger picture you’d realize you’re arguing about a small matter and wasting my time.”
“Back away, little man, before you regret starting this conversation.”
“Are you asking a question or just filling the air with a rant?”
“I’m really, really tired.”
“I know that there will always be problems to solve, but can I get better problems?”
“I’m really not sure how you got promoted to this level.”
“Why is this my problem now?”
“Thanks for the insincere praise. Now, what do you want?”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t care.”
I suspect you could add others.
These would be expensively bad words to verbalize. By writing these out I seek to reduce their power and attractiveness. I see them for the juvenile, immature, unhelpful words that they are.
I’m a huge fan of reflective questioning (or reflection and questioning, as the situation calls for it). In the case of “wishing I could say a thing I shouldn’t,” this practice comes in handy. Rather than biting my tongue when things like the above come to mind, I just reflect back t[offensive, immature, ridiculous] part of what someone has just said and then ask a leading question:
“Now, you just said ______________. What do you imagine I’m thinking right now in reaction to that?”
“OK, so you just said ______________. I’m curious to know what were you hoping my reaction would be when you said that?”
“I want to repeat back to you what you just said there: ______________. Did I get that correct?”
Or this version of the latter:
“Can I stop you there for a moment? I just want to grab a pen and paper [or my note-taking app] and jot that down, to be sure I’ve understood you correctly.” [Then, with pen and paper or notes app in hand and a raise of chin] “OK, so you said ______________. Is that correct?”
Delivered with mildly pleasant or neutral face and followed by a pregnant pause, these approaches work wonders. Each has its own nuance and benefit in different situations. But overall, the clear connotation of having focused on someone’s words enough to repeat them back – along with asking them to verbalize what your reaction might be or requiring them to confirm that they did, in fact, say this – is enough to cause people to consider that they might want to rephrase or change course entirely (all without your having had to verbalize those “things you shouldn’t say” at all).
Thanks for the honesty, Glenn, and the good advice.
I love this post, Glenn. Even if they are juvenile, we all think these things but don’t ever say them. I loved how you ended it as well – moving forward with life-giving words is the best thing that leaders can do.
Glenn,
I thought you were describing me there for a second. “Complex, messy and sometimes difficult.”
You post made me think about the inner voice a little further regarding leadership. Leaders can’t always be quick to speak, they must listen and learn to shut off the inner voice. That inner voice sometimes blocks us from hearing what the needs are of the person speaking.
As leaders we have to be calm enough to listen and not own the problem. To understand and clarify what is being communicated without agreeing, disagreeing, advising or defending. It is a pretty tall order and a difficult task.
I’ve heard a few of your examples before and I’ve used some of them in the past. It is the great thing about leadership. You have to be ready to fail sometimes before you can succeed.