Want Happier Relationships? – Jed Jurchenko

 

I have been a fan of the UFC since the beginning. When I was in grade school, my parents told me to pick a sport. Andrew, my next-door neighbor, and best friend, had recently enrolled in karate classes, and I was eager to join him. This was the beginning of my journey into a style of martial arts called American Kenpo. Then, in 1993, everything changed.

I was fifteen years old when the first Ultimate Fighting Championship took place. Royce Gracie, stepped into the octagon-shaped UFC ring and dominated the competition. Royce used his skill, agility, and famous Brazilian Jujitsu to win three matches in a row. Although he weighed a meager 175 pounds, Royce was able to achieve victory over much larger opponents.

After this initial contest, Karate studios began integrating jujitsu and other styles into their disciplines. Today, most dojos teach some form of mixed martial arts. Royce demonstrated to the world that being well-versed in one style is not good enough. Yet, one thing that has not changed is the octagon shaped ring. The octagon is a place for conflict, fighting, and battle. For twenty-two years, UFC fighters have been, “going to war” in the octagon.

Sadly, this is not too different from many marriages. While the octagon is designed for UFC fighters, it appears that husbands and wives have found their way into the ring. Far too many couples have become well versed in the deadly arts of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Couples have become so skilled at going to war that the divorce rate for first marriages range between 40-50%.

In fact, I once attended a training for domestic violence counselors where the instructor referred to the American home as, “the most dangerous place to be outside of an active military war zone.” The unfortunate part is that he may be right. Far too many families have entered the octagon, and this is not solving anything. According to relational expert John Gottman, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind–but it can’t be done.” Gottman explains that our fundamental differences in personality and values rarely change, so arguing over differences is highly unlikely to lead to the desired results.

Fortunately, there is hope. The key to successful marriages, and successful relationships in general, is to step out of the octagon and into the circle. The Solving Circle is a tool described by William Glasser. And yes, he would actually draw or tape off an actual circle around the couples he counseled. The solving circle works because it creates an environment directly opposite of the octagon. In the octagon, each person focuses on the other. Blows are thrown through criticism and contempt. They are redirected with defensiveness and stonewalling. In the octagon, each person battles to get his or her own way.

None of this is allowed in the solving circle. In the solving circle, the relationship is upheld above all else. Glasser would tell couples that there are three entities in the solving circle, the husband, the wife, and the relationship. Of the three, the relationship is esteemed above all else. While inside the circle, each couple is directed only to state what he or she is willing to do to make the relationship better. Finger pointing is not allowed. Shame and blame have no place. The solving circle works, because as each person focuses on what they are willing to do to strengthen their connection. Thus, the focus shifts from things that will not change to the many bright possibilities available.

Today, therapists often use the metaphor of a love bank to support couples in reconnecting. The love bank concept reinforces key solving circle principles. Just like a regular bank, love bank deposits and withdrawals are made on a frequent basis. Caring actions are the means of making deposits into our partner’s love bank. Annoying, rude, and cruel actions result in love bank withdrawals. The goal is never to allow the account to hit zero, and to never ever accrue debt. If a spouse, child, or friend doesn’t feel loved, the relationship is on thin ice.

Two key principles of the love bank are as follows:

1. Withdrawals happen and are a normal part of all relationships.

Because of this core belief, one person tries to change another. Yet, this type of thinking is faulty. As the cliché goes, opposites attract. In all likelihood, you were drawn to the relationships you are in due to some unique differences in the other person. Trying to eliminate those differences years later is simply no good. The research shows it does not work and it frustrates both parties. Choose to accept these differences as minor withdrawals, then seek to work together to increase love bank deposits. Some love bank withdrawals are normal. The best relationships are not built on eliminating withdrawals, but on making regular deposits.

2. The best relationships focus on frequent deposits.

The key to lasting relationships isn’t the occasion thousand-dollar deposit such as the exotic vacation, candle-lit dinner, or the fairy tale wedding. Instead, the small, day-by-day deposits matter most. Gottman states, “The real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day.” In fact, my guess is that there are literally hundreds of ways to do this.

• Good morning kiss
• Soft look
• Warm smile

These are all examples of simple love bank deposits. One of my favorite things to do is to send my wife an “I love you” text while we are both in the same room. I especially enjoy doing this when I catch her engaged on her phone. Yes, it is a little silly, but it makes us both laugh. You may have noticed that I concluded this post with a bold statement. I wrote that there are literally hundreds of ways to fill our partner’s love banks, yet I only listed four strategies. That’s because I would like your help. Would you collaborate with me in compiling a list of 50 or even 100 love bank filling ideas? I would love for this to be a team effort and will compile our thoughts into a recourse guide that will be available right here on the Adam Smith blog. To make this easy, you can share your love bank filling ideas. 

• In the comments section below.
• Tweet them to @jjurchenko.
• Or, e-mail them to [email protected].

I would especially like to know:

• What little things do you do to fill your spouse’s love bank?
• What are some simple ways that you fill the love banks of your children, family, and friends?
• What is the most creative thing you have done to make a love bank deposit?
• Finally, do you have a story of a small, love bank deposit that made an enormous difference in your life? If so, I would love to hear it!

Unfortunately, we have an epidemic of couples entering the octagon and ruining their relationships. As a marriage and family therapist, I would appreciate your help in generating creative strategies for stepping out of the octagon and into the solving circle. The more stories and ideas you send in, the better. I cannot wait to compile and share our combined efforts!