Why Your Marriage is Boring

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This is the first post on my blog from Jackie Bledsoe, Jr. He writes a Family Leadership blog at jackiebledsoe.com. He is the creator of the series, “March DADness: Preparing Dads to Make a Championship Run in Fatherhood,” & the author of, “Lovers and Fighters: How to Love & Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage” (available soon). He will be posting here on asmithblog.com every Monday to give us tips on how we can improve the most important relationships in our lives.

 

Have you reached the Al & Peggy Bundy point in your marriage?  That point where your marriage is boring, but acceptable.  When you realize you were doing this exact same thing last week, at this exact same time, and you have the exact same feeling of complete boredom!

ASmith Boring Marriage Why Your Marriage is Boring

 photo credit: funtik.cat via photopin cc

Your marriage isn’t horrible, but it isn’t great either.  Your marriage…just is.

How did you get to this point?

And how can you get past this point?

Is that even possible?

Seasons in marriage

It is possible to get through a boring season in your marriage.  But not without being intentional.  My marriage has gone through many seasons.  Seasons of excitement.  Seasons of frustration. Seasons of confusion!  And yes, seasons of sheer boredom.

What I noticed in our boring marriage was it lacked purpose.  The comfort of coming home to a spouse who we knew would be there was fine.  The comfort of our daily routine of work, home and sleep was alright.  Or the daily task of shuffling kids to and from was pretty normal and not too bad.  The comfort of life in general left us passionless and purposeless.

Marriage fools gold

Just like any other issue in life, until you recognize there is a problem you can’t get help.  Comfort can be a placebo for a fulfilling marriage.  You may really think your marriage is good, but…

  • You don’t talk like you used to
  • You would rather be by yourself
  • TV, housework, or Facebook is much more appealing
  • You and your spouse’s needs are unmet, but it is acceptable
  • You don’t like it, but you think others have more serious problems

Take an honest look, or get a second opinion

When you feel sick, you go to the doctor.  You go to the doctor to find out what is wrong, and develop a plan to fix it.

The worse you feel, the quicker you go to the doctor to get your plan, or your remedy to feel better.  You become passionate about not feeling the way you have been feeling.

It took some pain or discomfort to get you there.  And it took somebody else to tell you (in medical terms) what you already knew…the fact you were no longer comfortable!  Your marriage isn’t much different.

How to go from boring, to really enjoying marriage

There are several ways to get out of that boring marriage season.  The first is similar to the sick patient visit to the doctor.  Experience some discomfort.  It may not be the route you really want to take, but going through some challenges will quickly make you reassess yourself and your marriage and become passionate about making changes.

We’ve been through that before, and I’d much rather be intentional about going from boredom to fundom (yes, I did just make up a word…stay with me anyway).

Below are several intentional ways to get the passion and the fun back in your marriage.

    1. Make a habit of assessing your marriage.  Regularly discuss the “state of your marriage” with your  spouse.  You can also talk with a couple close to you, or even a pastor/counselor/marriage mentor.  Discuss what you want to do, what you want your marriage to be, and make a plan.
    2. Date regularly.  This seems like “old hat” marriage advice.  But you’d be surprised how many couples do not date regularly.  Most of us dated our spouses before marriage.  Which eventually led to us getting married.  Resume dating if you have stopped, and make it a priority.
    3. Get out of dodge.  Leave town, go somewhere, see something different than what you always see.  If money is a problem, find a creative way to spend some time away form your normal, and comfortable setting.
    4. Expand your circle.  Maybe your circle of friends is in the same season as you.  Don’t ditch ‘em, but expand your circle.  I’ve read the people you hang around with today and the books you read today, will be the person you become in the next five years.  Is marriage the same?
    5. Learn more about marriage.  God has created marriage to be this wonderful union.  Not an easy one, but he tells us husbands we find favor when we find a wife.  Study how marriage was intended to work, attend retreats, marriage classes.  Typically learning more about something increases your passion for it.

    Don’t settle for a run of the mill, boring marriage.  Your marriage can be better than that.  Your marriage can be great!  It’s up to you (and your spouse) whether to stay comfortable, or experience a truly fulfilling marriage.

    If you are unfulfilled with the state of your marriage today, what intentional actions can you take to be fulfilled?  You can leave your comment below.

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Author: Jackie Bledsoe, Jr.

Jackie is an author, blogger, and speaker. He helps motivated but overwhelmed husbands and fathers lead and love their families, so they can have lasting, fulfilling marriages and influence on their kids. He is the creator of  The 7 Rings of Marriage™, and the author of The Family Leader Manifesto. Read more from Jackie by subscribing to his blog, and following him on Twitter.

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  • http://leadershipvitamin.com/ Leo J. Lampinen

    Argh, I struggle with this, and like you said, I learned that intentionality would be key. I think all couples fall into the ‘comfortable’ pit. You provide some very compelling tips, a few I should be more intentional about implementing myself. Marriage is hard work, but it’s even harder when you’re not paying attention. Great post Jackie!

    • http://www.jackiebledsoe.com/ jbledsoejr

      Thanks, Leo! And great point, “Marriage is hard work, but it’s even harder when we’re not paying attention.” I agree!

      • http://asmithblog.com/ asmithblog

        That was the point that stuck out to me in that comment as well. “Marriage is hard work, but it’s even harder when we’re not paying attention.” That’s good.

  • http://asmithblog.com/ asmithblog

    Thanks for this challenge, Jackie! Such great tips to strengthen a marriage for either marriages that are there or they can be used to guard from getting to that state in the first place. Our marriages are the most important relationships in our lives and we have to treat them this way. I need to get better about getting out on dates. :)

    • http://www.jackiebledsoe.com/ jbledsoejr

      My pleasure Adam, thanks for having me! Yes, the marriage relationship is the foundation, and don’t think any of us don’t want a boring foundation! ;)

      • http://asmithblog.com/ asmithblog

        Good point!

  • BraveCommLLC

    Great insight Jackie! I think you hit the nail on the head especially when you suggest getting a “second opinion”. Most don’t consider counseling, whether a formal licensed therapist or wise trusted friend, unless their marriage is almost over. Why not take a date night to the counselors office when things are boring. Have your session. Then go out to dinner to talk about the experience or the advice.

    • http://asmithblog.com/ asmithblog

      That’s great advice Julia. Counseling has helped us so much in our marriage. I would recommend it to anyone, even if they aren’t going through a rough spell in their marriage.

    • http://www.jackiebledsoe.com/ jbledsoejr

      Great advice, Julia!

  • http://www.kineticbear.com/ Jacob Miller

    This does not only apply to marriage, but just about any relationship. Even friendships.

    The intimacy may not be there, but we must learn about each other, listen, and get adventurous here and there.

    We all must learn to invest a little more each and every day and not let it just take care of itself. That’s how it falls apart.

    • http://www.jackiebledsoe.com/ jbledsoejr

      Yes indeed, Jacob!

    • http://asmithblog.com/ asmithblog

      Such good points, Jacob.

  • Pingback: Is There Any Value in Marriage? | Adam Smith

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